If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
is this meant to deter me
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.