Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
pizza
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.