So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.