I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.