*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.