[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Facebook memories be like
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.