If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Godspeed, John Glenn
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?