*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao