Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
some things should go without saying
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’m tired tomorrow.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention