*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
You Might Also Like
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.