While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You Might Also Like
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
me hooking up with my ex
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes