Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*