20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My current situation
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”