A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*