Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I need better friends
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.