Am I having a stroke?
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Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on