*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles