Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
You Might Also Like
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Do one person every day that scares you.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Cndnsd Mlk
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????