in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.