Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby