I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.