Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]