Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.