I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
You Might Also Like
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.