Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Pretty much. 🤣
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.