i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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#CoronaOutbreak
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
hmmm
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.