These 3D printers are insane!
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)