[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN