Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
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everyone has that one prude friend
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.