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Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃