Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
You Might Also Like
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
#Caturday
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.