Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.