[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?