a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it