surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”