If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.