As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
This is my brand.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.