Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
thank god the sign was there
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
FINE, I WON’T.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal