She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.