children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY