“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Stop sending me this shit.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.