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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Lol.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing