Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
We decided to have money instead of children.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”