Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven