I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Hamburger Hinderer.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.