uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.