I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
79.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane