“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green