I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash