I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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Simple
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The first one, obviously
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one